Let's Talk About Loneliness
Image by Fan Ho, 2010. Sourced from Pinterest.
**Trigger Warning: This story talks about social anxiety.
Hello readers,
It's been a while since I've last posted – a bit over a month actually. Apologies for that. Things have been kind of hectic in the past two months. So here's a life update for you all: 1. I've held two internships in the past two months, none of which have worked out; 2. I applied for spring transfer to two universities in NYC – yay! If you've ever applied for college before – go back to your senior year of high school – you know it's hectic. So yeah, it's been a busy few months. But that's not why we're here today. We're here today because I want to talk about loneliness – something I've been feeling a lot since being back home after taking a leave of absence from UVM.
One can be lonely while not being physically alone, just as someone can be physically alone and not be lonely.
First things first, I want to clearly make the distinction between aloneness and loneliness, or being alone versus being lonely, just so we're on the same page. Dictionary.com defines aloneness as, "separate, apart, or isolated from others: I want to be alone." In other words, aloneness describes the physical separation from others. On the other hand, loneliness is defined as, "affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome" (Dictionary.com). Loneliness describes the emotional separation from others. Loneliness may be caused by aloneness, which is my case, but it also may not be. One can be lonely while not being physically alone, just as someone can be physically alone and not be lonely. It is how someone can have hundreds of friends around them 24/7, but still feel utterly alone with their thoughts and feelings. It is also how someone can have a copious amount of alone time and be completely content. In the age of social media, we see a lot of the former. But let me stop myself there because this isn't a story about social media and its affects on our social relationships, this is a story about me and how I feel.
Since leaving school and campus, I've spent a lot of time alone. Yes, I do get to see friends in the city sometimes, but that's like once in a blue moon. Most of the time I'd say I am alone, physically alone with no one to share my thoughts and feelings with, no one to share my happiness with, and no one to share my successes with. I am alone, and this aloneness has grown into loneliness. I don't always notice my loneliness, but when I do I fall into a depressive episode. I feel as if the day is moving ridiculously slow; I feel as if I am a thousand miles away from my family even when they are sitting in the other room, and I cry myself to sleep – I've done so in a few occasions. It sucks.
I noticed my loneliness when my friend passed away and I didn't have anyone to grieve with; no one in my close vicinity knew how I felt so I was forced to grieve alone. I grieved alone when all I wanted was to be with my friends so we can process everything together, and so I could tell them how much I love them face-to-face, in-person. I notice my loneliness when I see everyone on Instagram having a blast with their friends, but I haven't seen or spoken to my friends in-person for two months; I notice my loneliness when I get off a FaceTime call with my best friend because after an hour of chatting and catching up, I know I have to go back to my sad, lonely life. Yeah, so to say that loneliness isn't an absolutely terrible feeling would be an understatement.
If you've ever experienced loneliness, I empathize with you.
If you've ever experienced loneliness, I empathize with you. If you haven't experienced how it feels to be lonely, I hope you never have to. The worst part of it all is that this isn't my first time experiencing loneliness. I've been lonely once before, when I was really young, I just didn't have a word for what I was feeling at the time. If you don't know, in elementary school I went through a period of social anxiety. I still get socially anxious sometimes, especially when I'm romantically attracted to someone, but it's not as bad; I have control over it.
In elementary school, from K-4th grade, my social anxiety was the worst its ever been. And elementary school is the worst period to experience social anxiety because little kids are mean – they don't understand why you're so quiet and never talk to anyone; little kids are usually extremely social, so if you're a 5-year-old with social anxiety, everyone notices. Your teachers notice and constantly try to get you to speak by randomly picking on you to answer a question in class. Your parents are constantly reminded by teachers of your "shyness" at parent-teacher conferences. The social butterflies of the class are constantly interrogating you because they just can't understand why one of their classmates won't speak to them; like, "Get out of my space Becky, I have social anxiety o.k.? Not everything is about you."
If you know anything about social anxiety, or selective mutism in childhood, you know that it is caused by an intense fear, and irrational anxiety, of everyday social interactions (Mayo Clinic). So as a young child, I so badly wanted to make friends, but it was difficult because of my anxiety. So with little to no friends and being alone most of the time, both physically and with my social anxiety, I was lonely. I was a lonely child; I was feeling this complex emotion at an age that I still didn't understand complex emotions such as loneliness. I felt like a ghost in the shell; I would stare at the mirror and not even recognize myself. I was a stranger to myself. And because I couldn't pin-point what I was feeling and experiencing, I just came to the conclusion that I was weirdo. And I lived a lot of my life like that until I was able to define loneliness, and my therapist in college said to me: "You had social anxiety", lifting a huge weight off my shoulders because someone validated my idea of what I had experienced. So you can only imagine how it must feel like to again experience loneliness after years of trying to rid of that feeling and disassociate myself from that lonely, sad child that I once was. It may be under different circumstances, but the feeling is the same – the feeling of being a ghost in the shell, unwanted and misunderstood, a weirdo.
I may be anxious and have a copious amount of alone time compared to others, but I am wanted and loved.
But I am not a weirdo (weirdo is the wrong term too because being different is awesome!). I may be anxious and have a copious amount of alone time compared to others, but I am wanted and loved. I have so many friends and people that care about me that would love to see me, but can't because of different circumstances – school, work, physical distance. This is something that I keep reminding myself during this transitional period in my life. This is just part of the process; a part of the transition. Nevertheless, if you get anything out of this story, it should be this: 1. loneliness sucks; 2. be kind to strangers because you never know what they're going through; 3. reach out to the "shy" kid in class, sit with them during lunch, make an effort to get to know them; 4. check in on your friends, and make time for them, because some of them may need more reassurance than others that you still care and you're thinking about them (um…me!); 5. there is no such thing as "busy" and if you really, deeply care about someone you would make time for them; 6. don't take your friendships and relationships for granted, and definitely don't fall for the illusion that social media will keep you connected to friends – it is just that, an illusion. You can't empathize with someone, or know how someone truly feels, through a screen. A real connection is one that is face-to-face, heart-to-heart.
I am en route towards self-actualization, and this is just a small bump on the road towards reaching my fullest potential.
I am an optimist; I am optimistic that this too shall pass. This feeling won't be with me forever. I won't be forever alone – #notsoforeveralone. I will find my tribe; I will reconnect with old friends; I will get to visit my friends soon, hug them, and tell them, "I f*cking love you!" (once I get my money right!). I will be okay. This transitional period may be difficult, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere right now. I believe that this is for the best. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason that I am where I am right now in my life although I may not know why. The universe brought me here, and I trust that the universe will lead me to where I need to be. I am excited for what's to come! I am excited to go back to school and be around people my age, who are having similar experiences, who have the same drive and passion as me, and who are having the same anxiety and doubts about the future. I am excited for this new path and new journey that I am embarking on. I am en route towards self-actualization, and this is just a small bump on the road towards reaching my fullest potential.
Xo, Naydeline