What I Really Mean When I Say "Sorry"

Dear Readers,

I have noticed recently that I tend to say "sorry" a lot for things that don't need an apology. For example, I tend to say "sorry" when I really mean "excuse me" (Why am I apologizing, especially when the person is blocking my way, not the other way around?). So, to prove to you all, and prove to myself, how many times I say "sorry" when I really mean something else, I have compiled a list. Here it is, what I really mean when I say "sorry":

• "Excuse me."

• "I'm a mess right now."

• "This is awkward."

• "I'm feeling emotional, and feel like a burden for expressing my feelings."

• "I'm having trouble finding the right words."

• "I didn't hear you, can you repeat that?"

• "Am I boring you?"

• "I have to do what's best for me."

• "I know you are disappointed."

• "This must be difficult for you."

• "I know this is hard for you."

• "I know you find this frustrating."

• "I don't know."

• "I'm unsure what the answer is."

• "I don't know what you're talking about."

• "Can you clarify?"

• "The truth hurts, I know."

• "No offense, but..."

• "These are my ideas and I am standing firm to them."

• "You must think I'm a bitch."

• "Am I being a bitch?"

• "Was that rude?"

• "Was that too assertive?"

• "I get your point, but..."

• "I know you may not agree, but these are my opinions."

• "This is what I think, what is your opinion on this?"

These are just some examples of statements which I unnecessarily apologize for instead of stating what I really mean. (I am sure that I can come up with more if you give me another hour, but I'll leave the list as that!). It is not like I mean to say "sorry" instead of stating these things, it is mostly an unconscious act. Why does my unconscious turn to the word "sorry" when I am actually trying to express a statement and idea more meaningful than that? The answer is: I don't know. There are some possibilities, however, such as: a low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, or the influence of sexist ideologies on my psyche and character. Think about it: if you truly analyze the list above, there is a thought pattern. I unnecessarily say "sorry" because I am afraid of being “bothersome”, "rude” or too assertive. But, Fuck. That. 

Women in our society are taught to be kind, courteous, not be "too bossy", and when they don't comply to these societal expectations they are expected to apologize for their actions or not say anything to begin with. Well, I'm tired of trying to be nice all the time and apologizing for my actions. From now on, I vow to change my language and instead of saying "sorry", I'm going to say what I actually want and mean to say, and I encourage you all to do the same. Stop apologizing, and say what you need to say!

Xo, Naydeline